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Someone who seemed perfect in an online profile waltzes in late, doesn’t resemble their photo, and can’t stop talking about themselves.But for people who identify as asexual — or under the asexual umbrella — online dating can be even more exhausting, and often downright fruitless.Instead of friendly conversation about shared interests, first dates often involve fielding intrusive questions about their orientations and histories, especially from those who don’t believe that their identities are “real.” “‘Are you sure?’ ‘You know, if try having sex, I’m sure it would be different,’” says magazine editor Emily Cutler, 23, rattling off a list of unwelcome comments she’s fielded while dating as a demisexual woman.“It’s not that there aren’t enough asexual people in the world or in my area.It’s that they’re not on ACEapp.” There’s also the larger issue of cultural awareness; online dating can be challenging for aces even when they can select their specific orientations, as other people’s biases and misinformation can limit their options.
“It [was] very complex to change a dating app that had been around for 10 years, and [we] were aware it would be a pretty significant investment in terms of time and money,” Saretzky said by email.
“Users are welcome to authentically express themselves by sharing their sexuality within their Tinder bios and in messages with matches,” says a Tinder spokesperson by email.
Although the representative adds that “everyone is welcome on Tinder,” these aren’t welcoming options, especially on an app with a reputation for fostering hasty hookups rather than lasting relationships.
Their options are to include their orientation in their bio, message it to potential dates, or broach the subject in person.
None of these options is perfect, and all provide barriers to aces who want to meet compatible matches, asexual or not.
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Although asexual-specific dating services exist, they aren’t well-trafficked, and many aces say the lack of accommodation on mainstream apps often makes them feel ignored and frustrated.